I’ve had an epiphany. I’m not certain if I read this somewhere or if I conjured it up in my head with the confluence of many books about the subject. I’ve scoured my reading lists and bookmarks and can’t find the article it originated from. Wisdom, in whatever form, comes to us in whispers and this piece of insight materialized during my morning painting. I think it has the power to change my life.
Happiness = Joy + Sorrow*
Wow.
Think about this for a minute. The terrible meeting you had at work today, the frustration over a lost raise, the unrequited dream of making millions and living abroad, the relationship disappointments, the biting self doubt – all of these annoying, frustrating, sad moments, according to the above equation, are adding to the sum total of your happiness.
At first glance it seems absurd. Happiness = Joy. Full stop. Right? Isn’t it that feeling we get that makes us smiley, alive, light and free? Well maybe it’s not quite so simple.
According to Martin Seligman, author of Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being
, happiness is actually better defined as well-being and is composed of four factors: positive emotion, engagement with what one is doing, a sense of accomplishment and good relationships.
At the risk of oversimplifying, I think it’s important to remember that it’s unrealistic to be in a state of joy 100% of the time. We will always experience a mix of highs and lows as we stumble, learn and get back up again. Positive emotion isn’t blind to negative emotion and instead can be seen as a daily practice in choosing to nurture, recognize and be thankful for the good things in our lives. True engagement isn’t free of challenges either. It requires intention, self-discipline and patience. Same goes for accomplishment – the road to true mastery and achievement is long and hard. And, as if we don’t already know this from the sting of past hurts, no fulfilling, genuine relationship is immune to frustration and pain.
The most incredible part of this epiphany is how it can be used as a mental tool to instantly lift my mood during the day. In the middle of a frustrating conversation, I playfully say to myself “Oh, this moment is just adding to my happiness bank today”. It makes all the difference to shift your thinking and realize that in life, imperfections and negative emotions are completely normal. They’re part and partial to our daily existence. They’re unavoidable and essential to the human experience and the sooner we realize the inevitabiliy of this, the sooner we’ll quit trying to chase just one half of the happiness equation and learn to wholly accept what comes at us.
Perhaps happiness isn’t an end goal that we perpetually chase, occasionally experience and then yearn for over and over again. Perhaps it’s the sum total of all the things that make us stronger, better, wiser, humbler and more aware of our existence here on earth. Joy wouldn’t taste as sweet without the salt of sorrow.
* Where Sorrow can = Frustration, Sadness, Annoyance, Anger or any other yucky feeling.
