[quote]”The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the motherfucking shit out of love.”
– Cheryl Strayed, Dear Sugar[/quote]
Somewhere between the ages of 19 and 25, I renounced the romance of marriage and replaced it instead with a proud proclamation of female independence. I was unhappily almost married to my high school sweetheart for several years and thought that a proposal would be the scariest question he could pose. We were young and avoided the topic. I moved away. That was that.
Years later, I met a wonderful, kind, smart, so-sexy-he-makes-my-stomach-jump man whose intentions were true. We met through friends, took long walks across Regent’s Park, went on weekend trips to Morocco, quit our jobs and traveled the world. I loved and hated him in ways that drove me mad. He proposed late 2011 and it took me until a month after our civil nuptials to wrap my head around the idea of becoming a wife. A wife. I could hardly utter the word fiancé and suddenly I had become a wife.
Getting engaged and getting married were the two best and worst things that happened to me last year. Best because I could never have imagined the wonderfulness that is the cocoon of marriage with someone you truly love, who truly loves you and whose body you can’t keep your hands off of. Worst because I learned terrible, dark, shameful things about myself when faced with the decision to love, cherish, hold, comfort, forgive and take care of a human being other than myself for the rest of my waking days. Whoa. I could hardly commit to a dinner combo at the food court let alone promise to spend the rest of my life with another human being. It scared the shit out of me. [pullquote align=”right”]Marriage expands love in ways I never thought possible.[/pullquote]
I’ve witnessed real and hollywood bride-to-be’s pull all sorts of craziness to cope with their pending nuptials. My BFF panicked so terribly before her vows that I seriously considered hiring a boat to ship her off the Greek island we’d all gathered on to witness her big day. Ironically, my pre-wedding jitters were no different. I threw tantrums, cried, became a workaholic and generally turned into a hot mess. Through it all, he still chose to marry me.
Here’s the thing about marriage: it changes everything. People say it changes nothing. Naysayers hate the idea of having to officially “commit” to someone with pen and paper because it’s “society’s” way. People say it’s no different from living with someone forever. I thought all these things and then was proven very very wrong.
They say we’re attracted to people whose traits we wish for in ourselves. My husband (I can say the word now without flinching) has seen the world. He is the most self assured person I know. His confidence, clarity of mind and wise patience are grounding forces in my life. He reminds me each day that I am both perfect and imperfect, that there is so much more left to learn, that I am capable of more grace, more forgiveness and more love. He saw past my butterfly ramblings, my fickle mindedness and my need to be ever on the move and gave me the courage to rest my wings for a while.
Marriage expands love in ways I never thought possible. It pushes me to be my best person. It softens the most hardened parts of my jaded soul. It is a mirror that forces me to face all the good, bad and ugly parts of who I am.
This love that is for keeps? It has given me wings.
